오직 네 죽음만이 나를 (EN)

Been screaming in Twitter and to the world, but that ain’t enough. Me need longgg review! Me need to vent out this obsession! Oh!

*So loaded with spoils and praises! It may seem dense in the beginning, but then sugar overdoses are all in the main plot too! 

오직 네 죽음만이 나를/플로나 

Only Your Death Will Make Me / Flona

[PLAIN SYNOPSIS]

The story starts when the mercenary "Cullen" returns to his mountain home after long absence. Yet, he meets with royal knights and a high priest who travels to see him. Upon the fight, "Lasano" a high priest instead pays respect to Cullen, saying that our mercenary is actually of a royal blood and that he receives from the goddess to take Cullen to the palace.

Cullen himself has no interest for the palace but later changes his mind upon hearing that Cullen’s mother is an emperor’s sister and that the violet eyes that both his mother and Cullen have symbolise the trait of the royal family. 

At the palace, his commoner background makes the nobles ridicule Cullen. But then, he doesn’t plan to come here to claim his royalty, instead Cullen wants to find the truth about his family. This is because when he’s 13, the whole family went down to the village for Cullen’s birthday wish. Then, the village was attacked, and his mother got her eyes dug out. He and his father’s friend were the only two survivors. 

Thus, his life’s goal is to find the culprit and take revenge. 

Nevertheless, at the palace, Cullen also meets one dragon who is bound as the royal’s tool.

….

[BIASED SYNOPSIS]

Well, that’s the main plot. But under such a heavy bulky plot, it is a love story between a dragon and a man. As both his family and later the mercenaries who were his second family were all killed, Cullen himself closed up his heart without letting anyone in. He doesn’t want to be attached as it will just lead to another heartbreak.

But at the palace, seeing the dragon living alone makes him sympathize the dragon too. Whereas royal family members who are told to see the dragon as a tool exploit the dragon’s power while fearing him, our Cullen is gradually drawn to the dragon. This is especially such when he is surrounded with ill-willed nobles who seek to destroy him. Eventually, he decides to make a deal with the dragon … when Cullen’s wish is fulfilled, he will also complete the dragon’s wish.

To make a suspicion-free deal, Cullen asks if the dragon is involved in his mother’s death. This ends in the dragon being furious. Yes, although the dragon looks indifferent, he’s super narrow and self-spoiling. So, the dragon casts the human out of his place. Well, our human feels bad and wants to apologise. But what would make the best gift? The dragon hates the palace and doesn’t want anything from here. In the end, Cullen plans to give a name to a no-name dragon. And without doubt, our dragon loves his newly-given name so much, so much that he asks Cullen to call his name for 15 times! And the worse part is .. seeing this happy dragon makes Cullen’s heart skip a beat! Oh! 

Then, to save his vulnerable heart, it’s better to avoid the dragon, who is called "Kiyen" now. But then, yeah, they are the leads and they need to get close! So, Cullen is fed with aphrodisiac! Screaming! Oh, one noble wants Cullen to spend the night with someone he can control. But our prince doesn’t want that for sure! What to do? Cullen then jumps from his bedroom in the third floor and flees to somewhere safe … which is certainly Kiyen’s place.

Oh, oops, now an error happens. Our human thinks he will take the dragon, but before he knows, he is taken instead! And aww, Kiyen is veryyy fierce in bed tho! Oh oh oh my dear naïve Cullen! 

  

After the long passionate night, Cullen feels super awkward and super shies away from the dragon. He’s so wanting to keep distance from Kiyen now. But hey, there’s another message coming from the goddess to have an emperor-to-be travel and prevent catastrophe in the empire. Although Cullen doesn’t want to take the throne, this solution seems to be better than staying still in the palace with no further clues. The travel can also end seeing Kiyen who causes his heart turbulent sea.

But, but, but! Kiyen also plans for the trip! This cut cannot be made, my dear cullen! Another addition is Lasano the high priest who delivers the goddess’s message. And know what? Those nobles are just trying to send Cullen to death. What is giving 10 knights plus 1 cook in a hard journey for a king-to-be?

Still, this process of preventing disaster and saving all the poor subjects brings out Cullen’s strength again. In the palace, our human may get lost with politics, economics, and royal etiquette, but outside, having long been a mercenary skilled in fighting and hunting evil monsters makes our man super shine! So much that those poor 10 knights cannot be compared! No doubt Cullen becomes the leader and decision maker in the team. But oh, all but the three died, with Cullen responsible for breaking the enemy lines and taking Kiyen and Lasano out. (Poor Cullen, Kiyen is so full of power yet he cannot perform unless Larkan is in danger. And Lasano can only heal as a high priest.)

First destination is Marquis of Exion’s domain with vast salt mines. Here the dead are back to hunt the living, for the revenge of villagers who have long been exploited by their own noble lord and died in the mines. Actually Cullen doesn’t have to do much, but then our darling prince does not to see anyone suffer and without families like himself. So, he struggles hard with all his might, so hard that the new lord and his knights hold him in high regards. 

Indeed, this journey is not just about stopping suffering and injustice nor reviving the dying kingdom, but as time passes, it is also about transforming Cullen himself — from trying to stay detached to the world, he now opens up his mind little by little and take other people in. It is adorable that he doesn’t speak righteousness or virtue, but he feels for others. Cullen doesn’t want to see other suffering "Cullens". 

… just like Lasano (who is not your typical high priest with his sharp, sarcastic and nonsense words) once observes that Cullen is so emperor material!

But oh, the peak of our dear Cullen doesn’t stop here. Apart from just-right emperor material, Cullen is just-right boyfriend/husband material too! He is very ideal as a lover! Although Cullen tries to avoid Kiyen at first, his sympathy and attraction towards the dragon make him care. 

Seeing Kiyen walking around barefoot let Cullen buy a pair of shoes for Kiyen, not to mention kneeling down to put the shoes on himself. What’s more? When our dragon stares with longing at the sea, Cullen just stops the trip and gives time for Kiyen there, and when Kiyen comes out from the sea with sand-coated feet, our human also cleans the dragon’s feet. And I have to stress that this is before, yes, BEFORE he admits his feelings! Aww! 

Initially, Cullen is uncertain if this tangle comes from aphrodisiac curse that makes him feel attachment towards the bed partner. But then, the feelings are more than attraction. He wishes to see Kiyen smile and laugh. He feels happy when Kiyen is happy. He feels sad when Kiyen is sad.  

This means our man concludes that he feels the dragon’s loneliness. And with Kiyen’s immortality, Cullen dares to love the dragon since he can be confident that his beloved won’t die again. So, our human does switch to everything-for-Kiyen, everything-for-my-dragon mode. Where Cullen doesn’t do it to win Kiyen’s heart, but do it to make Kiyen happy. He is just content to have someone he can love. Oh my hearttt ㅠㅠ

But Cullen’s attitude and action makes the Kiyen suspicious. And our prince’s confession causes Kiyen to shun Cullen. Our dragon cannot understand this attraction, especially when dragons and men are different. What if Cullen likes Kiyen because of his human form like other Larkans do? Or if Cullen wants something in return? This skeptical dragon then starts to keep the distance and stay cold. And our poor Cullen is so blue and blue he decides not to bother the dragon with his one-sided feelings any more.

Well, a dragon is a hypocritical creature … he is like a next-door cat that acts indifferent but actually seeks attention. When the sad human stays away, Kiyen himself feels dissatisfied and asks Cullen directly of his absence. (Although part of this is Kiyen suspects the change of heart.) Or when Cullen tries to be formal and distant, Kiyen becomes irritated, no, furiousss.

This is because Kiyen also feels. But as he is betrayed and disappointed for far too many times, the more the other party is good to him, the more he needs to feel suspicious. 

However, Cullen’s on-going attempts finally bear fruits when Kiyen decides to trust a human once more. Here, the dragon’s possessive trait has long set, and now when feelings become clear, it’s even more intense. Kiyen says they can be lovers while Cullen is alive, even the dragon doesn’t love Cullen. But, hey, on the first day of this status-changing, when Ully, a swordswoman who later joins the team, touches Cullen, our dragon simply reacts by pulling Cullen out and ordering Cullen not to let anyone else touch. Hmm.. hmm..

Later, when Cullen smiles, Kiyen tells our human not to smile at anyone else too. And when Cullen is out alone to get water, Kiyen no doubt follows him around. 

Cullen used to be a warm and caring boy brought up in a warm and loving family. But the losses make him aloof and cold, and detached from the world. Then Kiyen destroys the wall Cullen built. And now it’s like a broken dam when Cullen’s feelings return in full swing, and he’s back to the man he was supposed to be. Actually, all the feelings and emotions are back and beyond. Our human now loves with everything and anything. All his reasons and usual calmness are gone whenever Cullen is with his precious dragon. Evidences? Simply the sight of Kiyen delights him. The touch of Kiyen stabilises him.

In a way, this saddens the reader when Cullen’s feelings for Kiyen are rather asymmetric. Because in the end, the greatest wishes of the dragon are to be liberated and find his own kin.

[EVALUATION]

I must say writing the summary and review for 오직 네 죽음만이 나를 is rather difficult. Apart from the fact that I wanna say everything, even minor, minor details, there are many, too many things going on.

This ‘biased’ review (AKA my ranting!) is based on love story aspect. But then it’s possible to write from other perspectives too. 

The story is magical from its high fantasy setting with dragons, a goddess, a myth on the foundation of a royal dynasty, magic blended with the mediaeval European society and much more. The fantasy-formula of starting a journey and roaming around the kingdom is not just getting rid of the evils nor finding hopes for its subjects, but it also is a journey of self-transformation, where all party members start to understand more about themselves and being better persons. As in the end, our crew, may it be Cullen, Kiyen, Lasano, or the later additions like Arne and Ully, are all full of life scars. Yet when they are together, they learn to value and care for those around themselves. They begin to see more than themselves and dare to act for others too. And somehow gathering as one unit mends them when they are somewhat bound as a family, as Arne says “I like us such. The people left alone gathered to become us.”

The story is even more sophisticated with subtle writing style. Instead of stating directly, everything is hinted implicitly between the lines and readers need to decipher the truth from the behaviours of the characters and the narrations of the story by themselves. It is particularly intriguing when each round of reading brings different understanding of the text. Besides, various clues and leaks are given along the lines, many of which seem to be minor yet become significant for the advancing storylines.  

The language itself is exquisitely refined. So in love with such narrative-descriptive pattern with finest details and sweetest intrigues. These all dive readers deep to be engaged with feelings and minds of each and every character in the way we understand their actions and reasoning behind those acts. In such extent we can’t hate villains when witnessing their bad deeds as we see the influences of faith they have. Such empathy is even more true in the last three chapters where all emotions and feelings accumulated reach their peak. Oh yes, we can feel everyone and understand everyone! Dear! 

Equally prominent are twisting plots that make this tale even more enchanting. (Bet no one can predict the baddest villain! When the plot is revealed, this excessive reader can just scream in front of the screen! And doubt if she reads right! Wonder if her eyesight is wrong!) Afterward, the concluding explanation in the end of the first half even solidifies the main story even better. It is so true that every aspect has been perfectly constructed, so perfectly crafted that there is not a single fault.

Just like that. I know I’m far too prejudiced. But oh, IN LOVE, and IN LOVE HARD. Everything is just right, more than right for me! Normally I do read a lot, and I do read all the time. But now can’t read any other stories as I feel so addicted to this tale! I can’t help it! 

오네죽 is simply spell-binding from the beginning, when I first read about the main characters. Oh, I adore clean and capable characters, and it is just Cullen! (Though he starts with a cold and uncaring way) And then there’s also Kiyen the dragon, who seems to be high and aloof, but can then be both a narrow-minded moody cat and a warm caring man (depending on his operating mode! Ha!).  

  

Rate "A++" and "Best of 2020" even though there’s half a year to go. It is “the meaningful and beautiful tale of a man who proves his sincerity to a jaded dragon, and the story behind all.”

[SCREAMINGG!]

My lorddd, I am so waiting for Part 2! I totally understand Kiyen when he can’t go 100% for Cullen because of the set conditions. But, hell, it’s sad to see Cullen sad. Truth is I don’t want to see Kiyen go regret as the tag. He also suffers enough too. BUT I damn want to see the dragon go obsessive, so wildly madly in love that he turns head over heels for Cullen. This alone can make me die in peace! Aww! Chapter 163 (Or restarting at Chap 1 for Part 2) on 13th July, I don’t dare to predict your directions. What I foresee can be all wrong! But please promise me that Kiyen’s obsession will come quick! Quick! And Kiyen, you like Cullen, you value him, but you are one slow dragon with poor EQ! Crying! Slap!

But, oh, Cullen’s life with be plagued by, oops blessed with that big-dragon-turns-sticky-koala for sure! When Kiyen is still unaware of his feelings, the dragon tells Cullen not to let another touch himself, and not to smile at others. This time, this clingy possession will simply go multiplied! But awww, how about Cullen’s reaction? What is it as “new Cullen”? Somehow I also want to see Cullen slows down while Kiyen rushes in. It would be great to see them switch roles. But ohh, on the second thought, I also want to see the constant Cullen. I know I’m crazy! I know I’m greedy! Anything, anyway, anyhow, Cullen, will you love yourself, value your own worth, and not blame yourself? Sniff!  

PS. Wanna bite Kiyen a bit. Hmm, he can appear high and aloof, but this lizard, oops dragon is truly mean! Cullen rises in the early morning to hunt rabbits and cook for the group. The feed tastes indeed bland (if not terrible), but it’s Kiyen who makes the point whether the meat is bad or the cooking is bad. And when Arne re-seasons it, Kiyen states it clear that the problem is with the cook! And this becomes a way to tease/bully Cullen for many times. Another case (among many!) is when Arne praises that with Cullen there is nothing to worry as Cullen can do everything. And then this bad dragon just smiles, saying there’s also a thing that Cullen cannot do. Oh, and that thing he mentions is the story in bed! Meanie, meanie dragon!    

And what else? oh when Kiyen talks dirty in bed, he transforms from the aloof and noble guardian dragon into a kink and pervert lizard, oops a steamy and passionate lover! Well then, there is only one person who makes this out of Kiyan right, Cullen? Also, there is a wicked pattern in the kink parts — Kiyen makes Cullen cry and scream too big every time. But hey bad dragon, I think you are proud of all this right?? You are indeed bad when you make tears rolling streaming on Cullen's face! Badd dragonnn! 

PS. 2 Truth is Cullen is simply “girlfriend material” as well. So wanting to add this above, but it may harm his royal and mighty appearance! Love his sincerity and innocence/naivety when he loves indeed.. although I want to tell Cullen that the more you are naïve and pure, the more that bad dragon wanna bully you! Cullenn! 

[SONGS] 

Songs I can think of when reading are as follows:

[Broken/ Anson Seabra] 

“Feel this song describes the broken state before they meet each other — Cullen is so full of guilt and self-blame when those he loves die, while Kiyen detests his bondage as a tool for the royalty.”

'Cause I've been high and I've been low

I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight

Feelings come but they won't go

Please, won't someone take me home before I lose my mind?

Am I broken? Am I flawed?

Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I just another fake, fucked up lost cause?

And am I human? Or am I something else?

'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there

To save me from the nightmare that I call myself

[Could It Be I'm Falling in Love/ Worlds Apart]

“When Cullen is so in love, it is just like this. Everything is happiness. Everything is blessing. And he wants to prove himself and never lets Kiyen down. Not to mention their fate together (Right, goddess?)”

Each night I pray there will never come a day

When you up and take your love away

Say you feel the same way too and I wonder what

It is I feel for you

Could it be I'm falling in love

With you, with you with you, with you

I don't need all those things that used to bring me joy

You made me such a happy boy

And honey you'll always be the only one for me

Meeting you was my destiny

You can be sure I will never let you down

When you need me I will be around

And darling you'll always be the only one for me

Heaven made you specially

[Looking Glass/ Before You Exit]

“This is how Cullen’s infatuation goes. He wants to know all about the dragon: Kiyen’s likes, feelings, thoughts, and all!” 

Float away like a drifting ocean

Like you took all the waves

Every day in my mind you're running

And you're keeping the pace

I want to know you best

I want to know you best, tell me

Where you go inside your dreams

What you say when you don't speak, I

Want to know every little thing

About you, about you

Where you go when you're lonely

What you say deep in your sleep, I

Want to know every little thing

About you, about you

[Hue/ Daniel Sid]

“Cullen’s feelings for Kiyen are such! Seeing Kiyen smile already brightens Cullen’s day. Being together makes everything meaningful and wonderful. Those black-and-whites turn colours now.”

When I first saw you

My heart stopped beating when you smiled

Made all my problems disappear for a while

I’ll never forget that first night

It wasn’t perfect but it was ours

I still think about it

Hue, you put the colours in my world

Hue, you make everything okay

It's only you, that does this to me

You make it all so much better

It's not now or never, its forever and ever

I’m yours 

[I Love You Baby, I Love You Doll/ Parekh & Singh]

“Cullen feels sad and blue when they fight. But it can’t change how he feels for Kiyen.”

Tuesday, come gently, I feel a little blue

I used to shine in deep bright red when I was with you

Now everything changed, only, I stayed the same

All my blue skies turned to gray, and all my flowers turned away

You can be serious, and I can be mysterious

Share your feelings everyday, but I'll just smile at you and say

I love you baby, and I love you doll

Times they get tough but my heart won't change at all

It's too hard to stay awake

So I'll just dream away my days

Well, I'm not the kinda guy that you fall in love with

I'm not the kinda guy that you share your heart with

[Dissonance/ Lave]

“Kiyen wants Cullen close — but he also wants Cullen to see their differences and boundaries. At least on dragons and men.” 

Tucked in tightly

You've been fighting

Dissonance

Hold me close

I want you to notice

The dissonance

[Just a Lover/ Hayden James]

“Kiyen may feel it’s just a way to fulfil the contract. But as time passes by, his feelings grow. 

And somewhat he’s unaware of this feeling …”

It could be so simple

I could be so true to you

You were just a lover

In my heart, in my heart

You were temporary

You were just another

You were just a lover

I can't bare for you to leave

[ไม่เคย (Never) / 25hours]

“Somewhat Kiyen’s feelings afterward”

I never knew how much value that important person had

I never knew how much a beautiful day was worth

I never knew how great the time we had together was